Styles & Scenes

Fashion Crash 'n Burns at the VMAs

There’s nothing like the MTV Video Music Awards for bad fashion guilty pleasure. And last night’s red carpet was littered with so many traffic-stopping disasters, it was hard to look away.

In case you weren't glued to the set like I was, here's a few highlights:

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP, MR AFFLECK.

Jennifer Lopez, clearly annoyed she didn’t land Diane Lane’s juicy faded starlet role in her ex Ben Affleck’s new noir "Hollywoodland," auditions anyway with a very impressive Norma Desmond impersonation.

Like they always say, it takes a faded starlet to know a faded starlet.

ICONS WALK AMONG US

Christina Aguilera channels Jean Harlow!

Again.

This time she's vamping it up in a Versace bronze chiffon halter gown platinum waves and (yawn) red lips.

When, oh when, is Miss Chris gonna grow out of the ‘30s? I think I speak for many who are bored into a coma by her constant retro glamorama show.

Besides, now that she’s dropped a few El Bees, she could pull off a decent mid-‘70s Cher.

Hey, she’s got the nose down.

OKAY, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL

I’m not gonna rag on Petra Nemcova about her dreadful wrinkled sack dress and her Pochantas hairdo. Sadly, she's proved she really can look good in a burlap bag.

But about her new beau? Sorry, he’s open season.

First Bruce Willis, now dorky James Blunt?

And ten bucks says Petra dumps him immediately after he immortalizes her in one of his sappy love songs. 

Any takers?

CLUCK OFF

Okay, ignore Paris Hilton's homage to Cyndi (Girls Just Want to Have Fun) Lauper with a white pouf dress and black ankle boots.

This is bigger news than a mere '80s fashion flashback.

Drum roll, please.

Ladies and Gents, we finally have a  new champion in the Best Swan Imitation category.

Thanks to Paris’s amazing jutting chicken neck and the  bird's nest on top of her head, she’s stolen Bjork’s long held title, awarded to the Icelandic singer at the 2001 Oscars.

Wow. Seems like only yesterday. I still remember where I was when she dropped the egg on the carpet.

CURL UP AND DYE

Blonde, black, blonde and back to brunette again.

Does Nicky Hilton have nothing better to do than change her hair color every other week?  Doesn't she have a clothing line or something to keep her busy?

Trust me, Nick, you look better blonde so quit experimenting. And don't listen to Paris's hair color critiques. She's just trying to Gas Light you.

And by the way, this bat-wing sleeved floaty Stevie Nicks number isn’t fooling anyone.

We've all heard the Kevin bun-in-the-oven rumors.

I guess if Nicky stops coloring her hair, we'll know the rumors are true.

JESSICA SUCKS

What's that giant sucking noise? It's not a Hoover, it's Jessica Simpon responding to snarky criticism of her post-divorce pounds by sucking in her stomach and sticking her chest waaay out in an unspired skintight black minidress.

I.. am.... so.... not... fat!. Whew..

Wonder how long she can hold her breath before turning blue.

Guess we'll find out, won't we?

Photo Credits:
WireImage/Dimitrios Kambouris

Vera Wang curries fashion favor at the Oscars

Now that the Oscar dust has settled, which designer was the most popular on the red carpet?

You could call it a tie. Dior dressed two big names: presenter Charlize Theron and the adorable first lady of the evening, best actress Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon.

Theron’s forest green silk gown with a benign tumor-sized shoulder bow didn’t win over most style seers. But Witherspoon’s honestly vintage 1955 beaded Dior frock was a major thumbs-up, despite criticism that the gown was "too much dress" for the petite actress.

But Vera Wang also dressed two important ladies — both best actress nominees — and both of her creations were wildly hailed. "Brokeback Mountain" nominee Michelle Williams wore a Wang curry-hued '30s-inspired chiffon gown. And "Pride & Prejudice" nominee Keira Knightley looked to-the-manor-born in Wang’s fishtail hem burgundy gown.

And here's a surprise: Versace, usually deemed a bit too racy for the Oscars, came in third, designing for three presenters: Jessica Alba's gold gown, Salma Hayek's blue wrapped gown and Hilary Swank's strapless black number.

Other fashion forces at the 2006 Oscars:

Photo: Michelle Williams won fashion favor at the Oscars for her curry-colored Vera Wang chiffon gown.
(Steve Granitz / WireImage)

Donatella versus Dolly at the Oscars

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Donatella Versace plans to attend the Oscars on March 5. According to the fashion bible WWD, the Italian designer will head to Los Angeles via New York where she’ll check in on her newly reopened Fifth Avenue Versace boutique.

What will she wear? Duh. Let’s see, starts with a V….

But what will happen if diva Donatella comes face-to-face with her doppleganger — super-unpretentious all-American country music superstar Dolly Parton — nominated for best song and also attending the Oscars and hitting some after-parties?

Won’t this cause some kind of rip in the fabric of the universe, like on a "Star Trek" rerun?

With the end of the world just weeks away, here's a distracting tidbit: Donatella is a big fan of the award-winning “Desperate Housewives” series and she even gets DVDs of the show sent to her in Milan. Her favorite character? Like you had to ask.

"I love Bree because she is so perfect that she is almost ridiculous,” she told WWD.

Like we used to say in fifth grade, takes one to know one.

Photo: Versace addict Jennifer Lopez and Donatella Versace at the recent reopening of her New York boutique.
(Jemal Countess / WireImage)